Is Your Teen Allergic to the Word "No"?

     

     How often have you wondered if being allergic to the word ‘No’ is an actual teenage *diagnosis? Does telling your child, ‘No’, cause instantaneous eye rolling, exasperated sighing, or instantaneous whining? If your teenagers exhibit any or all of the above symptoms, he or she may be allergic to the word ‘No’. Not to worry, below you will learn a simple way to say ‘No’ without actually using the "offending" word.

     The teenage years appear to come inherently with many negative aspects. For example: acne, hormones, social awkwardness, and trying to figure out who they are (remember, you are reminded often by them that "no one understands me"). Saying ‘Yes’ and providing them with opportunities for good decision-making is imperative.

     Saying ‘Yes’ is sure to get a better response from your teenager than ‘No’ almost every time. Even as adults we like to hear that we can do something rather than be told we cannot. With the method you are about to learn, you will be able to guide them in a positive way and assist them in making good decisions. Get ready to say ‘Yes’...

     The first step is to practice saying the word ‘Yes’ many times. As parents, we are so accustomed to saying ‘No’ that it is often automatic. With a little practice and a slight change in our behavior, (fair is fair, right?), we can learn to communicate with teenagers in a more productive way. Next, forming parental decisions, statements, or directives with a positive spin is essential.

     In the next step, you learn to rephrase your decision, statement, or directive to your teenagers question to include the word ‘Yes’ even when the only logical answer appears to be a ‘No’ answer. Below are a few examples:

• Teenager asks: (at the dinner table) "Can I call my friend?"
• Negative Response: "No, you know the rules, you will have to wait until dinner is over."
• Positive Response: "Yes, you can certainly call your friend, as soon as we are finished with dinner."

• Teenager asks: (on a school night) "Can I spend the night at my friend's house?"
• Negative Response: "No, not tonight, you have school tomorrow."
• Positive Response: "Yes, you can spend the night with your friend this weekend."

     Now that you know the basics, you can see that saying ‘Yes’ to your teenager does not mean letting them do as they see fit, but instead means that you are guiding them in a more positive way. In addition, this method will be received by your teen in a more positive way and may better alter their reaction to your responses. The final step in inoculating your child against having negative reactions to the word ‘No’ is to offer choices.

     The final step is to offer as many choices as you can when possible. Teenagers are learning to be independent and decision-making is a vital skill for them to develop. Providing opportunities for teens to make good choices will build their self-esteem, confidence, and value system. Additionally, by providing only positive options for them to choose from, you are giving them opportunities to succeed. Here are a couple of examples of questions your teen might ask that involve offering positive choices:

•  Teenager asks: (upon arriving home from school) "Can I go hang out with my friends?"
• Negative Response: "No, you can't go to your friends house until your homework is done."
• Positive Choices Response: "Absolutely, you can either do your homework first and go to your friends house until curfew. Or, you can go to your friends house for an hour and then come home to do your homework."

• Teenager asks: "I did half of my chores already and my friends are going to hang out for a while, go get pizza, and then going to a movie. Can I have my allowance early and go with them, and I will finish my chores when I get home?
• Negative Response: "No, you can't go because you didn't finish your chores, and you haven't earned the money to go."
• Positive Choices Response: "Sure, you can either go now with half of your allowance, or you can finish up your chores and still have time to catch up with them to get pizza and see the movie."

     As you can see, preventing some negative behaviors, resulting from your teenager's aversion to the word ‘No’, is possible simply by saying ‘Yes’! It will take a bit of practice on your part; however, the benefits greatly outweigh the effort. You will become a pro in no time at providing positive responses and giving your teen more choices. 

* Please note, this is not an actual diagnosis. A person cannot actually be allergic to a word, thus the term diagnosis is used for humorous purposes only.

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